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The Consequences of Nostalgic Impulses

The icon is purely because I'm going to be talking about this character.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BLEACH AND NARUTO BELOW THE CUT.

So, I'm basically dead inside right now.

I remember when I first found out Kira Izuru from Bleach died. Despite the fact that I hadn't been involved in the fandom for more than a few years, I was still heart-broken. I hadn't parted from Bleach on bad terms, I'd simply moved on in a natural way (as opposed to my severe irritation and inevitable dropping of Naruto) to another fandom. So I was sad to hear a character I'd loved had died.

In the past couple days, though, the nostalgia for my weeaboo years has reared its ugly head and I've been lightly indulging it, reading select fanfictions for select pairings I still find myself adoring.

Between my discovery of Izuru's death and my increased nostalgia, I was relieved to hear that the tale of Izuru's death had been exaggerated (though not greatly because it was a very close call).

However, today, I find that relief is short-lived.

Despite my love for Izuru, there was one Bleach character I adored above all the others, and, god dammit, he's just one more character that shows I have shit luck with favorite characters.

Today I found out that Ukitake Jūshirō, the brightest and warmest light in all the Soul Society, died.

It's even more painful than when I found out my favorite Naruto character, Hyūga Neji, died. At least I didn't give a fuck about Naruto anymore and had no intentions to return to that Sasuke-obsessed shit-show. I still had hopes to maybe one day return to Bleach and finally finish it. Now, though? What's the fucking point? Ukitake is the most beautiful, wholesome character in the entire series and, from what I read, he basically died for nothing. Obviously, his death was his choice - he chose to sacrifice himself for something he felt was worth it and I can't deny him that, but narratively? His sacrifice was for naught because the thing he sacrificed himself for ended up dying anyway.

I've felt an underlying terror for years about Ukitake's possible death, ever since I last read Bleach, and now that terror has been realized and it sucks. It doesn't help that the fandom's content creation has declined so much, at least in the corners I care about - namely the Ukitake corner. It's kind of sad with the highest rate Shunsui/Ukitake fics are the same ones I read almost a decade ago, and most of the newer ones have them as a side/background pairing at best, part of a polyamorous relationship at worst. (I don't have problems with poly ships, but when I view my ship as a pair of soulmates then I do. Also, I don't have the context for why Aizen or Starrk could possibly be in a relationship with either of these men, let alone both.)

So, anyway, I just wanted to lament a bit on a piece of my childhood, and my heart, dying. I'm going to go cry some more now.